So apparently, this is happening:
I KNOW! Surprise! We've known for a very little while now, but this is still pretty much what the inside of my head looks like: !!!!!!!! I am almost 9 weeks pregnant, due at the beginning of September. So three kids for us later this year, a new little person who belongs to us and our family. Weirdly, a new baby was actually what we were hoping for this year but this feels like a big change to our plans.
We have a lot of conflicting feelings about all this coming down in the light of our adoption plans-- confusion, shock, befuddlement. Oh wait, that is pretty much just one emotion, isn't it? And then we have been pretty open about our path towards adoption with EVERYONE so it feels kind of embarrassing to now be explaining that I'm pregnant. Yes, world, that's right-- an unplanned pregnancy. We know this doesn't mean we can never adopt a child, but we hadn't really decided we wanted more than 3 kids and we HAD really gotten ourselves mentally/emotionally prepared to adopt in the near future. We had begun to have a picture of what this baby might look like, what parenting this baby might involve, who this baby would be, and now it feels like that baby we were ready to love doesn't exist anymore or that baby doesn't belong to our family.
I think some people we've told don't get why this news has left us off-kilter, and I will admit that, yes, we wanted a new baby this year and we are (Lord willing) going to have a new baby this year. I think it must be a similar to what people who have fertility problems go through if they decide to adopt; I thought I was going to have Baby X but now I am going to have Baby Y. I feel sad, I admit, for what we are not going to experience.
I am not sad about this new baby, though. This baby is wanted, this baby is loved, this baby is welcome. We are definitely in a phase of adjusting our expectations, but the person we are now expecting is an unlooked-for gift, an unanticipated blessing. We're in the process of embracing the unanticipated, as well as thinking through what this means for our original plans. Adopt in 2013 or so? Faux twins? Our paperwork is done but we are not approved yet so we have some time to think through things. In the meantime, I had my first midwife appointment today and there was a tiny heartbeat flickering in this baby's chest as he or she (probably she-- I am pretty convinced) continued the long voyage from smattering of cells to new person. Safe journey, tiny baby; we love you.