Saturday, June 19, 2010


I have gained almost 10 pounds since our house went on the market. That's right, GAINED. Almost 10 of the 40 pounds I had lost since Violet was born, 10 pounds that puts me that much further from what I would consider a happy weight for 30-something post-baby me.

Having our house on the market has eaten up quite a bit of my time and energy and all semblance of working out has fallen by the wayside. And then there is the emotional eating-- oh, the emotional stress-eating! I wish I had a more detached, objective relationship with food, but I DO NOT. I get riddled with cravings and binge-y in my behavior when I am stressed and anxious and not having a lot of other ways to say "yes" to myself. I have been thinking about that, actually; I say "no" to myself a lot in my current life stage and food sometimes feels like an easy, quick way to say "yes" to myself and then I find myself trying to self-soothe with food. I absolutely cannot have sweets around the house as a matter of habit or I will gobble them all up so the last 3 months of stress-eating have been eating almond butter out of the jar with a spoon and more leftover pasta for lunch than I really need. Three straight months of that, it turns out, will not only halt weight loss but turn it around the other way. Not good, not good at all. I know it's not the worst response possible to stress, but it's a problem. Do I really think food is somehow going to fix whatever is bothering me? And it makes me feel kind of sick that I am modeling this in front of two girls who are going to grow up in a society that has messed-up enough messages about female bodies and food and all that. I've got to get this turned around. The first step is recognizing you have a problem, right?

We do actually have some good news on the real estate front. We have accepted an offer on our house! Unfortunately, this good news feels a bit muddled because during our negotiations with the buyers, we got the impression they were considering backing out and I think we are still wary of them changing their minds about the house. I expected to feel more untroubled when we accepted an offer but this does not quite feel like a reason to shout in triumph. It is good news, though, albeit with a pinch of uncertainty.

When is life ever really certain, though? If that's what I'm expecting, I am sure to be disappointed. I've had ample evidence of this in the lives of friends and family in recent memory, from my dad losing his supposedly secure job back last year to complications of Rob's dad's surgery sending him back to the hospital for a while (he's home and recovering now, thank goodness) to a friend from Yale finding out he had a brain tumor. Life is full of surprises, and although my list right there is full of what I think we'd agree is bad stuff, the surprises of life are certainly not all bad. And anyway, control is an illusion, right? I'm not sure if I'm quoting The Matrix or a Buddhist monk or what there but it's definitely true, and the more I am able to actually believe that and LET GO for pity's sake, the better I will cope with life. And the more I will be able to trust in something more dependable than myself.

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
Psalm 46:1-3


amydove said...

I so identify with you on the food and weight. After another vacation with my mom I have again moved backward and am trying to make myself be good again. I like how you say that food is an easy way to say yes to yourself. How true! Constant willpower is exhausting. My other way to say yes to myself is shopping, which hurts the wallet. I need to find something healthy that feels like indulgence!

Joanna Hise said...

Add me to the list of those who tend to eat emotionally. I wish I had more will power, but alas, I do not. We will keep the offer in our prayers - here's to hoping and praying that it goes through without any more need to emotionally eat :)